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Cins;;
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<a href="http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=yetlovely">Like the stars that shine way up in the sky; Our love will live forever.</a><br><br>
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<font color="#BABABA"><font face="Terminal">cindy<q>;;</q> california<q>;;</q> <a href="http://members.asianavenue.com/twosix">twosix <3</a><q>;;</q> art-music-love<q>;;</q> c.n.a.<q>;;</q> virgo - august 29th<q>;;</q> <b>msn</b>: kiss_me_15utey@hotmail.com <b>aim</b>: design3rd<q>;;</q>
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<a href="http://livejournal.com/~yetlovely/friends">Counting stars wishing I was okay; Crashing down was my biggest mistake.<a><br><br>
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<a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/yetlovely/">I'm losing you, I'm losing all control. Just let me be. Let me be alone for now. I want to be alone tonight.</a>
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[09 Feb 2005|08:13pm] |
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My All - Mariah Carey |
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Today's Mothers' Birthday. She's "35" or so she claims. hahaha. It's quite funny... she knows she's 44, she's just trynna be cute. I just want her to know that... despite of all the things I've done behind her back or the times I've disrespected her (i don't mean to).. that I love her with all my heart. No one can TRY to understand me like she does... I am forever more grateful to have her by my side... sigh*
Lately... a lot of things have been making me feel confused about everything going on in my life. A friend asks me, "What is happiness to you?" I wasn't able to answer him. Then he asks, "But what does make you happy?" I told him..."in the state of being able to be carefree... and not worrying about all the obstacles and troublesome coming in my way. What makes me happy is being with the people i love and care for.. having a good time.. just doing the things we do.." I didn't know what to say. It was hard. Such a question can be so simply asked.. yet it's so complicated to come up with an answer. He told me, 'enough goal to reach for.. yet so distance in grasp. why is it all the simple things in life make us happy yet we don't seek it...' I wonder so much throughout life, and I don't even know what HAPPINESS means to me. You know what he said? "True happiness is having your piece of mind."
Enough about that...
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If you only knew the art in my heart. The passion & blessed gift that certain someone gives my soul. You'd know that he makes whole & through him I'm immortal. My words; that shit's eternal, but you're all so damn blind. Because line and line... see if this was my job & even if I resigned --- when it all comes down; you'll see & then come to realize that a writer never dies.
Lyrical breakdown:
"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery." - Bob Marley.
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I know these couple of days will be hell for me, but at least I know for sure that one of us will have everything where it does end up. I have to remain the strongest no matter what anyone throws at me or anything for now. I have to stay strong, i HAVE to. No matter what.
This has taught me the most out of my whole life. Something that I have not even studied, but just experiencing this has taught me & changed me into a whole new person in just a span of DAYS even. This dwelled inside me til' it changed me, mentally & for the better I believe. I know they say in life, that there are mistakes that get thrown at us. I don't believe that. I believe everything happens for a purpose and was truly MEANT to be. I believe that there are situations thrown at us disguised as mistakes but really are blessings. However, I really do need to think three times before anything though... & when you ladies say "Time to be a woman now." I believe that that's truly a process & that takes time, it isn't forced nor like you are obligated to. To PROPERLY develop, it should all go through a process. Step by step, gradually. & you don't suddenly just think, "Oh today I gotta grow up. I gotta be a woman now" damn.. that's been for a long while ago. haha... But nah.. You don't grow up because you have to. You grow up because you JUST DO.
My love to you all. ... my friends and family.. your prayers truly do help. I feel as if they were therapy for my soul.
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[01 Nov 2004|07:33pm] |
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It's been so long... I forgot how to do the lj cut. haha. Pathetic!
well it's the 31st of October... so Happy Halloween!!! I hope that you guys will have a great time tonight... =)
I've been going out for the past 5 days. My parents are tripping out... "majorly" TRIPPING out. lol! That's not even a word. But anyhow, i managed to get some pictures. Don't get scared ok?!? lol! It's kinda huge.. soooorrry! And yeah, that's my halloween mask for you. bwahhaha. Enjoy guys...
( that one night... )
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[25 Oct 2004|08:49pm] |
As I walk these words
remember their meaning
the memories reverberate through my mind
an echo of voices
shadows of people
doors opening and shutting
to the old experiences
the wounds that sliced so deep
that they are just now starting to heal
throb with the pain
rediscovering what caused them
I ponder and consider
all the time spent here
the endless letters
stringing together sentences
things I have long since forgotten
amazed at what I have become
what I was before
where I may go
I know that this place
this home away from home
helped me more than anyone ever has
and I am thankful
so with patience
and heart
I pass it on to those in need
those who fear
who weep for their feelings of listlessness
I let them see
that in the end
you will always have friends
family
and a home
here among us.
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[11 Sep 2004|11:58pm] |
As I sit here, bitching about the imperfection of the world and how dumb I am...I realize half of you will hate this, as do I. But if I didn't vent this, well I am sure I just would have held it in and let it eat away at me...fun fun fun...so this was what I chose to do instead......
Typing for lack of a better way to distance myself from other subject, I can't help but think I am lost. I am lost in a place I have never been before, and all the faces are the looks of strangers. For a while I thought I was happy with the things going on right now; the job, the future, the family. I thought I finally had control of my life. I was kidding myself... Mind you, I'm so afraid for my future. And I have been kidding myself all along. Because I am not who I thought I was...damn. I know how fucking lame this sounds and ridiculously stupid I must appear, but if I don't get this whole rant out in some form or another I may just resort to one my oldest and ugliest habits that never seems to resolve anything. That is an entertaining run-on sentence. hahaha... I always do the ellipsis thing. That's such a bad habit. I should stop. [i think i got Jay to do that. :P *snickers*]
Moving on. I decided that I can no longer deal with the problems I have at home if anything ever comes up again. It's just a stress that makes me hurt more than anything. My father, he's becoming of a better person though. I don't even know anymore if he still does the things he does and I am not sure I ever really know him nowadays. Although, my brother and I are being so much closer ever than before.
Sometimes, I feel cornered in my house. A place that once seemed to me, the only place where I could be me, is full of more judgement than I could have ever imagined. And for what? Where does the judgement get us? It doesn't make us happy, and it sure as hell doesnt make anyone person in this household stronger than the next. [Maybe except for my Mother]...Maybe I am just seeing things backwards. A perfect family frolicking in a meadow, picking wild flowers, on a perfect sunny day. Reality? Hell no. An image, candy coated and sold to the highest bidder. Do I hear priceless?
Ok i'm done with this stupid shit. ha.
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[09 Sep 2004|09:28pm] |
Everyone has a story to tell... so here's mine:
It's the saddest, most depressing thing, watching the space expand between you and the person you're closest to even before it has happened. You can feel the distance between your physical selves, your mental selves, and your lives growing ever larger. And you're still living in the same city.
I've always wanted that friend. You know the one, the kind of friend who would always have your back when you needed them the most. Who knew just what to say even if to someone on the outside, it didn't seem very sympathetic. The friend who knew exactly what foods were a makeshift bandage and what movie would make the world seem halfway decent. The person who you could tell her anything you want and she wouldn't judge you by the things you do. I always thought I had that in her... and I still do at this moment.
We had enough inside jokes to fill the pages of one strange book. She could make me laugh, and I could make her laugh. We didn't care what other people said. We went through the hells (trust me, there has been good times) of growing up together, deeming everyone else ignorant and mean. I could tell her anything and I always hoped she felt the same way.
And now it seems like that's still the truth. Though, I feel that I've already seen and talked to her less than I ever have and it makes me misses her even more. I don't know if I can remember all of our inside jokes and I am scared. Pathetic no?
So we're getting older. How do you watch your best friend move on? What if you have moved on? I'm so over the term of "best friend", those are for kids. I would have to say, she's my other half. But tell me one thing, how do you act like everything will stay the same when it's already different? I miss her.
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On to the next subject. Today was odd. The weather is so unpredictable. One minute it's raining, and the other it's HOT AND SUNNY. Seriously, I hate to get skin cancer because of this blazing heat. I know that people maintain that you can not melt because of heat, but I am fairly sure thats what will happen eventually. haha...it's ridiculous. My poor dogs haven't moved all day. Hmm okie... I lied. We played basketball outside for a little bit. Just kidding, more like soccer with a basketball. :P Work was all savvy and gravy you know. Robert is getting the hint that I (repeat) DO NOT want to get involved with a 50 something year old man. I'm relieved.
I should just leave. I hate to sit here, it's hot and I'm sweating like a pig. Ew.
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